Pen-etariats

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got tired of not caring.

-Mitch Hedberg

I always lose pens, too, Mitch. And up until a startling revelation a couple of days ago, I had convinced myself that it was my fault. I thought that my lackadaisical attitude towards where I place my pens (et possibly cetera) led to my losing pens. I imagined pen loss by simple thermodynamics: I held a greater concentration of pens than that which exists in my surroundings, so unless I were to spend energy retaining the pens, they would go missing regularly. I now believe this picture to be inaccurate.

I possess three Uni-Ball (sounds like something one should get checked out) Signo Gelsticks 0.7, quite possibly the most God-awful pen on the planet. One is pink, one is purple, and one is a radioactive orange. As I recall, the pens came free in a package of some black pens that I actually wanted. Regardless, I have owned these pens for at least two years, which is far longer than my average pen residence time. I conclude that the disgusting nature of the pens makes them unattractive to the pen thieves who take instead my good black pens. I see the world now as a struggle between hard-working pen purchasers like myself and ne'er-do-well pen handout-takers. The latter prey upon my upstanding, yet naive, character.

Well no more, you bums! Your days of free writes are over. Condolences!