Let Me Explain Something To You

To make fancy-pants guacamole is to suggest, hubristically, that you can do better than mashed up avocadoes and salt. And yet: the top three recipes returned by googling guacamole include onion and tomato as ingredients. Guacamole should not contain onions and should not be made in a kitchen containing a tomato.

Addition of flavorings is acceptable, especially if salt is an issue, but stick with black pepper or maybe even garlic if you really can't stand the taste of avocado. The recipes also each call for cilantro, which is another good way to ruin your guac, but I will admit this is a matter of opinion (as opposed to every other point addressed herein).

I am told that lemon or lime juice can help preserve freshness, but tangy guacamole is an abomination. Use these sparingly and keep the avocado seed in the guac to preserve freshness instead. (I am skeptical that this works. But generally, if guacamole is made correctly, it will be eaten before freshness becomes threatened.)

Poverty is the only legitimate excuse for having avocadoes make up less than 97% of your guacamole by volume.

Thank you.